So here I am...
So here I am.
I am new to blogging. My friend suggested that I try and find someone to talk to about my recent depression and rage. You see, I am a mom. I have a 7 year old BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL, FULFILLING little girl. SHe is the most amazing person. I see in her the things I like about myself and the traits I LOVE about my husband. My husband and I have been married exactly 10 years this month. What a journey it has been. So, what is my problem you ask?
I am selfish. I want another child (ren). I have been on a roller coaster for the past 6 years. We didn't use birth control and just decided to get pregnant. I don't even remember “trying” with my little girl. It just happened. Since then, well, let me take you on a journey. Please forgive me, this entry might be rather long to read.
During my pregnancy, my mother got sick. So I became the stand in mother to my baby brother ( age 14) and the manager of my mothers medical care as the oldest child. Our father died of emphasyma Christmas 1991. Our mother died 4 months after my little girl was born. She had Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. Anyways, at age 21, I had a 4 month old, and gained custody of my brother age 14. So that year of my life went by in a blink. After my little girl turned 1 the AF decided my husband needed a year remote to Korea. So that year went by in a blink.
At the end of that crazy year my husband and I were looking forward to reuniting, moving to a new state amd trying to grow our family a little more. This was to be a new start for all of us. Two months before we were reunited, my family doctor ( also my mothers doc) decided I needed some extra testing at my annual physical. Through all this testing, he “thought' he found a heart condition. I called it a stressed out, lonely heart but he called it Cardio Myapathy and since I had just had a baby ( she was under 2) that he called it “post patum Cardio Myapathy”. He ordered lots of heavy meds and a tubal to ensure no further children. Mind you, I only went in for a yearly physical, no symptoms or signs of anything wrong other than exhaustion ( I was running a house, taking care of 2 kids, working 40-50 hrs a week and going to school to become a child birth coach). Thank God, in this case the the AF refused to do a tubal because, my husabnd was overseas, we only had one child and I was under the 25 year old mark. I didn't want one. I was sure that they were over reacting or confusing me with someone else. So they placed an IUD for a few years until I could get teh tubal. MY body rejected 4 IUD's. During that time, we moved to another state and I pressed for a re-evaluation, second opinion - whatever you want to call it.
New state, new docs - they ran all the same test. Compared all the tests and sent my specific case to a medical review board. What they c??? SO for the first time ever - I went on birth control. Just to regulate my cycle. After a 6 month round, my cycle seemed to come back to normal. YIPPEE! In that time, I began to exercise, and eat right and get in shape for baby number 2 - Right? Wrong - I went in for another freakin “yearly physical” in which routine blood work was drawn. Ma'am ame up with was “shocking” ( a little sarcasm). Ma'am, you DO NOT have Post Partum Cardio Myapathy - You are a healthy female. Go forth and procreate!!!
YEAH - Good News - No meds, and lots of S E X!!! - Hey wait aminute - why is my period comeing every 6-8 weeks. What is wrong? So back to the doc I went. After some blood work - ma'am - the heart meds they gave you have caused your body to go into per-menopause. What - I am only 24 - what the heckyou have type 2 diabetes. You shouldn't have children - it could be very bad for you and the fetus. Sorry.
Did I take this lying down? Heck no - I took my meds, excersied and moved on. However, I have since been unable to become pregnant, and every freakin doc that I talk to has said to give it time.
Now, my grip with the AF is that with all the deployments and such, I haven't had the same doc to talk with. Everytime I get a new doc, tell them all this and tell them my goals, they tell me I have time - be happy I have one child and just move on. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!
Now that I have caught you up to present day, let me tell you what is going on now and why I am here - deperate for a positive shoulder. I have been exremely happy and grateful for my life. I believe that God has placed other peoples kids in my life to fulfill me, prepare me and to satisfy my need for a bigger family. First it was my brother, then it was the many neighbor kids. ( I just recently provided a home to a 12 yo girl and 16 yo boy while the AF deployed their mom for 4 mths)
BUT I AM FEELING VERY SELFISH these days and not at all the normally positive Ms. Mary Sunshine kinda gal that I am. I mean - I am supposed to be seducing my husband at that “right time” not biting his head off for saying “Hi”.
I am surrounded by friends who are expecting ( it is in the water here on base - they just forgot to fill MY water well).
I officially lost it when, after all this time I found a wonderful GYN that referred me right away, to a fertility specialist and she tried to assure me that it will work. My problem isn't that uncommon - I just need help ovulating. I had the appt ( they worked me in downtown right away) and got me started. NOW - when I should feel relieved and vindicated that someone actually listened and acted - WHY am I going crazy? I mean - I see pregnant people all the time. I work at a family practice office. I see the joyous faces of mommy-to be's as they go home to tell “Daddy” that they will be a dad. I see their growing stomachs and then, I see their bundles of joy.
I am happy for them - really I am.
Okay I used to be. Now I am jealous. Could this be compounded by the fact that all my friends that were pulling for me have all moved away and even if I do get pregnant with this round of treatment (Clomid) who would I share the joy with? I have thrown more baby showers in this past year - with a smile on my face and I tell myself and others - My time will come. Does it help that the new girl in my office ( I was teh youngest and now she is) came in - said she could have kids and is now due in 4-6 weeks? Does it help that they all thought it would be a good idea for ME to through the shower? Does it help that while we are celebrating her joys - soem are making comments ( while I am trying my damnedest to hold it together) that oh - you'll be next. We just knew you would be pregnant first - OR - well, maybe its just not your time. UGH - could we have not brought it up - I was trying to stay calm and really be happy for my co-worker - I mean - I already have a child, I have never had a miscarrage and she doesn't have a child yet and has had many miscarrages. She has struggled to get here to this day a shower, and an almost end to the pregnancy and a beginning of a whole new world.
I don't know if I am mad, sad, worried, confused - overwhelmed, disappointed, jealous - what? I mean - I started my PD right on time - I have the Clomid in my hot little hands and in 4 days, I take it and the journey begins. MY chances are good. THis is the first time - but I am so “out of myself” that I don't know if I am coming or going. I am numb. My husband leaves on a AF business trip for 4 months. If it doesn't take this time or next than I will have to wait awhile until he returns to get started again. THus, my child will be 8 before we have another child and maybe even closer to 9. I will be 28- and maybe even closer to 30. Should I just give up and say - Thank God for my little girl and just forget all this work? Is it worth starting over. I mean, this is the 3rd year a sibling has been on my childs birthday and christmas wish list. Even my husband is having dreams of a bigger family. What should be do? I am feeling like giving up before we even get started. I don't know that I can go through all this fighting. I have been fighting for this for 6 years wo just get to this point. Do I have it in me to keep fighting?
Today I don't think so. - Tomorrow, I don't know.
Did I mention I am surrounded by such a mixed group - lots of pregnant women and lots of one kid families. Ou of my small med office 3 providers, 2 receptionist, 3 nurses and a lab gal and me so that is 10 people there is one provider with only one child (grown), one provider with a newborn, and one provider that had to adopt his children. One receptionist that was only blessed with one child (grown), and the other with 2(grown). There is me with one and trying, there is the lab gal with 2 ( her baby just graduated high school), one nurse with O ( she had a hysterectomy) and one nurse with 4. The last little nurse is the newest - expecting soon. Why then do I feel all alone and why then - do I feel like nobody there understands my struggle? I mean - looking at this demographic - you would think I would be in the best place to deal with this physically and emotionally. Why then do I not feel it?
Anyways - I feel better getting all this off my chest. Maybe my BF ( who never wanted children and who I suspect doesn't undertand my extreme desire) will be happy to know that I reached out.
If you have gotten to this point in this blog - God Bless you for staying and Thank you. I am sorry if it is hard to read and a little crazy sounding - I am just typing as it pours out of my soul.
Always - Jess
I am new to blogging. My friend suggested that I try and find someone to talk to about my recent depression and rage. You see, I am a mom. I have a 7 year old BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL, FULFILLING little girl. SHe is the most amazing person. I see in her the things I like about myself and the traits I LOVE about my husband. My husband and I have been married exactly 10 years this month. What a journey it has been. So, what is my problem you ask?
I am selfish. I want another child (ren). I have been on a roller coaster for the past 6 years. We didn't use birth control and just decided to get pregnant. I don't even remember “trying” with my little girl. It just happened. Since then, well, let me take you on a journey. Please forgive me, this entry might be rather long to read.
During my pregnancy, my mother got sick. So I became the stand in mother to my baby brother ( age 14) and the manager of my mothers medical care as the oldest child. Our father died of emphasyma Christmas 1991. Our mother died 4 months after my little girl was born. She had Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. Anyways, at age 21, I had a 4 month old, and gained custody of my brother age 14. So that year of my life went by in a blink. After my little girl turned 1 the AF decided my husband needed a year remote to Korea. So that year went by in a blink.
At the end of that crazy year my husband and I were looking forward to reuniting, moving to a new state amd trying to grow our family a little more. This was to be a new start for all of us. Two months before we were reunited, my family doctor ( also my mothers doc) decided I needed some extra testing at my annual physical. Through all this testing, he “thought' he found a heart condition. I called it a stressed out, lonely heart but he called it Cardio Myapathy and since I had just had a baby ( she was under 2) that he called it “post patum Cardio Myapathy”. He ordered lots of heavy meds and a tubal to ensure no further children. Mind you, I only went in for a yearly physical, no symptoms or signs of anything wrong other than exhaustion ( I was running a house, taking care of 2 kids, working 40-50 hrs a week and going to school to become a child birth coach). Thank God, in this case the the AF refused to do a tubal because, my husabnd was overseas, we only had one child and I was under the 25 year old mark. I didn't want one. I was sure that they were over reacting or confusing me with someone else. So they placed an IUD for a few years until I could get teh tubal. MY body rejected 4 IUD's. During that time, we moved to another state and I pressed for a re-evaluation, second opinion - whatever you want to call it.
New state, new docs - they ran all the same test. Compared all the tests and sent my specific case to a medical review board. What they c??? SO for the first time ever - I went on birth control. Just to regulate my cycle. After a 6 month round, my cycle seemed to come back to normal. YIPPEE! In that time, I began to exercise, and eat right and get in shape for baby number 2 - Right? Wrong - I went in for another freakin “yearly physical” in which routine blood work was drawn. Ma'am ame up with was “shocking” ( a little sarcasm). Ma'am, you DO NOT have Post Partum Cardio Myapathy - You are a healthy female. Go forth and procreate!!!
YEAH - Good News - No meds, and lots of S E X!!! - Hey wait aminute - why is my period comeing every 6-8 weeks. What is wrong? So back to the doc I went. After some blood work - ma'am - the heart meds they gave you have caused your body to go into per-menopause. What - I am only 24 - what the heckyou have type 2 diabetes. You shouldn't have children - it could be very bad for you and the fetus. Sorry.
Did I take this lying down? Heck no - I took my meds, excersied and moved on. However, I have since been unable to become pregnant, and every freakin doc that I talk to has said to give it time.
Now, my grip with the AF is that with all the deployments and such, I haven't had the same doc to talk with. Everytime I get a new doc, tell them all this and tell them my goals, they tell me I have time - be happy I have one child and just move on. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!
Now that I have caught you up to present day, let me tell you what is going on now and why I am here - deperate for a positive shoulder. I have been exremely happy and grateful for my life. I believe that God has placed other peoples kids in my life to fulfill me, prepare me and to satisfy my need for a bigger family. First it was my brother, then it was the many neighbor kids. ( I just recently provided a home to a 12 yo girl and 16 yo boy while the AF deployed their mom for 4 mths)
BUT I AM FEELING VERY SELFISH these days and not at all the normally positive Ms. Mary Sunshine kinda gal that I am. I mean - I am supposed to be seducing my husband at that “right time” not biting his head off for saying “Hi”.
I am surrounded by friends who are expecting ( it is in the water here on base - they just forgot to fill MY water well).
I officially lost it when, after all this time I found a wonderful GYN that referred me right away, to a fertility specialist and she tried to assure me that it will work. My problem isn't that uncommon - I just need help ovulating. I had the appt ( they worked me in downtown right away) and got me started. NOW - when I should feel relieved and vindicated that someone actually listened and acted - WHY am I going crazy? I mean - I see pregnant people all the time. I work at a family practice office. I see the joyous faces of mommy-to be's as they go home to tell “Daddy” that they will be a dad. I see their growing stomachs and then, I see their bundles of joy.
I am happy for them - really I am.
Okay I used to be. Now I am jealous. Could this be compounded by the fact that all my friends that were pulling for me have all moved away and even if I do get pregnant with this round of treatment (Clomid) who would I share the joy with? I have thrown more baby showers in this past year - with a smile on my face and I tell myself and others - My time will come. Does it help that the new girl in my office ( I was teh youngest and now she is) came in - said she could have kids and is now due in 4-6 weeks? Does it help that they all thought it would be a good idea for ME to through the shower? Does it help that while we are celebrating her joys - soem are making comments ( while I am trying my damnedest to hold it together) that oh - you'll be next. We just knew you would be pregnant first - OR - well, maybe its just not your time. UGH - could we have not brought it up - I was trying to stay calm and really be happy for my co-worker - I mean - I already have a child, I have never had a miscarrage and she doesn't have a child yet and has had many miscarrages. She has struggled to get here to this day a shower, and an almost end to the pregnancy and a beginning of a whole new world.
I don't know if I am mad, sad, worried, confused - overwhelmed, disappointed, jealous - what? I mean - I started my PD right on time - I have the Clomid in my hot little hands and in 4 days, I take it and the journey begins. MY chances are good. THis is the first time - but I am so “out of myself” that I don't know if I am coming or going. I am numb. My husband leaves on a AF business trip for 4 months. If it doesn't take this time or next than I will have to wait awhile until he returns to get started again. THus, my child will be 8 before we have another child and maybe even closer to 9. I will be 28- and maybe even closer to 30. Should I just give up and say - Thank God for my little girl and just forget all this work? Is it worth starting over. I mean, this is the 3rd year a sibling has been on my childs birthday and christmas wish list. Even my husband is having dreams of a bigger family. What should be do? I am feeling like giving up before we even get started. I don't know that I can go through all this fighting. I have been fighting for this for 6 years wo just get to this point. Do I have it in me to keep fighting?
Today I don't think so. - Tomorrow, I don't know.
Did I mention I am surrounded by such a mixed group - lots of pregnant women and lots of one kid families. Ou of my small med office 3 providers, 2 receptionist, 3 nurses and a lab gal and me so that is 10 people there is one provider with only one child (grown), one provider with a newborn, and one provider that had to adopt his children. One receptionist that was only blessed with one child (grown), and the other with 2(grown). There is me with one and trying, there is the lab gal with 2 ( her baby just graduated high school), one nurse with O ( she had a hysterectomy) and one nurse with 4. The last little nurse is the newest - expecting soon. Why then do I feel all alone and why then - do I feel like nobody there understands my struggle? I mean - looking at this demographic - you would think I would be in the best place to deal with this physically and emotionally. Why then do I not feel it?
Anyways - I feel better getting all this off my chest. Maybe my BF ( who never wanted children and who I suspect doesn't undertand my extreme desire) will be happy to know that I reached out.
If you have gotten to this point in this blog - God Bless you for staying and Thank you. I am sorry if it is hard to read and a little crazy sounding - I am just typing as it pours out of my soul.
Always - Jess
posted by Jessica C at 6:33 PM
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